MysticMag chats with Robin Andrews Smith, an Aging & Dementia Life Coach, and co-founder with Lee Mohler of You & Me Aging and Dementia Coaching. Robin holds a master’s degree in Marriage & Family Solution Focused Therapy and boasts over 20 years of expertise in behavioral healthcare, assisting diverse families with various challenges.
Her valuable experience includes working alongside Teepa Snow as the founding Creative Development Director for the globally recognized Positive Approach to Care, LLC. This led her to co-founding with Whitney Oeltmann, Dementia Spotlight Foundation, an Atlanta-based nonprofit offering online education, Dementia Cafes, Dementia Friends GA training, and respite for families. In 2018, Robin significantly expanded her knowledge of dementia through collaboration with Orchard Senior Living, pioneering a groundbreaking dementia demographic model of care for atypical and early-stage individuals aged 59 to 79. Inspired by the spouses involved, Robin and Lee developed the online coaching programs; Marriage & Dementia, Creative Companionship, and Assisted Living Transitions.
Robin, can you share more about your journey into the aging and dementia coaching space, and what motivated you to specialize in providing support for individuals and families navigating these challenges?
What really motivated me was my experience working in admissions at an assisted living facility. I began my career path as an actress, but an accident in my twenties took away my ability to memorize scripts, so I decided to shift my career focus to a different study of human behavior.
I had always been curious and passionate about why people do what they do, and this crossroads gave me the opportunity to pursue a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. I spent eight years teaching child development and then a dear friend working in the aging space recognized my potential for eldercare. She encouraged me to join her team, emphasizing that my love and respect for the wisdom of elders could greatly contribute to the growing need of aging care professionals. Intrigued by the evolving relationship changes I was observing in my own family and community as loved ones faced health conditions due to aging, I decided to jump in.
I was not expecting to be so distraught and surprised by the intensity of emotional struggle and heartbreak I witnessed as an admissions director helping families move their loved ones into assisted living; especially those who were living with dementia. This experience set my career on a new trajectory as I became deeply inspired to look for better practices I could teach and promote to make these necessary life changes less traumatic for everyone. The dichotomy of professionals and families trying to help, yet causing such unintended pain and suffering, motivated me to seek more loving creative solutions.
I also noticed a common thread of dependency in the young I had previously worked with and the elders I was now supporting, prompting me to explore further correlations between brain development, neurodegenerative disease, and the emotional and relational aspects that take place for families at both ends of the life spectrum. My observations led me to conclude that most of the solutions I witnessed that truly alleviated conflict and pain for families came when they could build the tolerance skills to turn their attention toward the painful emotion being evoked by change, and not away from it.
Helping people process the automatic uncomfortable feelings and resistance to change while intentionally focusing on their love for the person they want to help has made the biggest difference. And I find those willing to embrace a heart centered approach, rather than relying solely on explanation and facts about what they are doing, proves to be dramatically more effective.
I’ve also learned from my work that problems, especially those stemming from symptoms of dementia, can be much better addressed if there is education about the medical conditions causing the brain change. Drawing on the wisdom of experts like Dr. Al Power, who defines dementia as a different perception of reality, I now advocate for a compassionate understanding of what is behind the frustrating or confusing behavior families observe.
By acknowledging the different reality perceived by those living with symptoms of dementia, we can more easily approach and problem-solve with curiosity, patience, and love. And more importantly, we can be a positive influence helping to reduce the confusion and fear they feel.
It’s crucial to recognize that everyone experiences the world differently. And when it comes to neurodegenerative diseases that cause cognitive impairments, the key lies in figuring out and then empathizing with what someone is perceiving and interpreting about their world.
I think it is similar conceptually to education and parenting models for the care of young children before the development of the analytical mind. However, this becomes painful and awkward when applied to adults because they have an entire life of autonomy behind them and their dependence on others to help them requires a surrender of their independence.
Your coaching approach emphasizes finding clarity, making decisions, and living guilt-free. How do you guide individuals through the emotional and logistical aspects of aging-related transitions, such as moving a loved one into assisted living?
In our approach with clients, the first thing we emphasize is that there’s no inherently right decision. We remind them, there is only the next step and their decision to make this step the right one. Given the multitude of options and variables, we find each family’s solution to be distinctly different and unique to their situation. To help navigate the complexities and family dynamics, we take the time to assess numerous factors including the sick or aging loved one’s capacity and skill sets, the perspective and assets of involved family members, the primary caregiver’s bandwidth for responsibility, and any available community resources.
The challenge lies in recognizing that what’s right for one person may not be suitable for another. Families often enter the process with a desire for a quick solution. But because there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, and people are always changing, we encourage clients to slow down, evaluate, and plan before reacting to big decisions. Breaking transitions down into smaller, more manageable steps helps to facilitate a more effective and less traumatic and stressful process of change.
The clarity phase involves taking the time to learn and discern the many variables of a current situation, and help individuals to prevent emotional reactions that may backfire or make things worse. It’s common for people to seek a swift resolution, but the reality in most cases, in particular with neurodegenerative diseases, is that needs and abilities are in a perpetual state of flux and will require continuous adaptation.
Similar to parenting, where the approach to a two-year-old child’s needs differs from that of an eight-year-olds, caregiving an adult demands a nuanced understanding and reassessment of current ability or need. Families may find themselves altering their solution plans multiple times to align with the evolving changes taking place for their loved ones.
Addressing guilt in caregiving involves understanding the connection between thoughts and feelings. Guilt stems from evaluating actions and choices from the mindset of right or wrong. Families often aspire for their loved ones to be happy, but this is not always feasible in later stages of life due to a person’s personality or their emotional response to loss and dependence.
The key to living guilt-free as a caregiver lies in aligning your actions with your core values. Our coaching helps families identify thoughts or feelings that lead to behaviors which are more often the culprit of guilt. Once they find this awareness, and practice it, they have the power to lead themselves into the right relationship with the person they are caring for and eliminate guilt and other negative emotions.
For example, when someone recognizes their caregiving is a personal choice, they line up with a powerful core value and transcend feelings of burden and frustration, which fosters for them a more fulfilling and guilt-free caregiving experience.
The Assisted Living Transitions program aims to empower families with the knowledge and skills needed for a smooth transition. Could you share a success story or example of a family that significantly benefited from your coaching and support during this process?
I had the privilege of working with a remarkable family living an atypical form of fronto-temporal dementia. The wife, caring for her husband, initially found the behavior changes so challenging that she contemplated divorce. During our coaching sessions, we delved into the science behind the changes affecting her husband and their relationship so she could understand and learn how to cope with the negativity and not take his behavior and outbursts so personally.
For nearly six months, we continued to educate about the disease and practiced new and different responses to his behavior that kept stress lower. Eventually, recognizing the decline in her own health, she determined it was time to move her husband to assisted living or bring in a caregiver. We dedicated substantial time coaching on how to introduce the caregiving support and how to frame the new relationship as a friend and household support for her.
About a year later, due to further decline and the need for more hands-on physical care that often comes in later stages of the disease, we supported her next step of finding a community that could handle her husband’s unique challenges. Since he wasn’t a candidate for a typical memory care, we directed her toward touring personal care homes in her area.
We coached her on creating a story based in fact that would have meaning for her husband. She was needing knee surgery and introduced the new community as an apartment they would share during her recovery. I love this example because it highlights how our coaching approach can span various transitional needs through the course of caregiving.
In your extensive experience, what are some common challenges that individuals and families face when dealing with dementia, and how does your coaching address these challenges to strengthen relationships and reduce stress?
A common challenge in caregiving arises when families attempt to control aspects of the situation that are beyond their control leading to more conflict and frustration. There is often an unconscious desire to have the relationship that existed before the health condition did. It’s crucial to be aware of this so you can move instead towards understanding and accepting a person in their present state so relationships can thrive in the present.
Openness to new approaches and a willingness to learn and adapt to current needs are key components of successful caregiving. Coaching focuses extensively on the practical aspects of daily interactions. It involves analyzing past attempts, understanding their impact, and devising new strategies, especially in the realm of communication.
Even in the early stages of dementia language processing changes and learning to tailor your communication is critical to keeping relationships positive. As dementia progresses, complex language can cause great anxiety, leading to communication breakdown. Using shorter and simpler sentences with nouns and verbs, for example, makes a message more easy to understand. More importantly, it enhances the person’s sense of competence and feeling of connection to caregivers.
It’s vital for families to recognize that neurodegenerative disease places a considerable burden on the mental and physical body; and when the body is working hard, human beings will almost always get more emotional and resist change. In essence, successful caregiving involves embracing a present-focused, adaptive approach, acknowledging the unique needs of the individual, and refining communication strategies to foster connection and understanding.
Your coaching services extend beyond traditional sessions, offering real-time support between scheduled meetings. How does this ongoing support contribute to the overall success of families navigating life-changing events, and what kind of advice or guidance can individuals expect during these check-ins?
The shift towards success in caregiving typically involves a significant emotional transformation, considering the intense dynamics family relationships go through. As caregiving inherently becomes an emotional journey, mastering it requires consistent practice and the constraints of family time and schedules can be challenging. To address this, we utilize an app offering “anytime access” coaching between sessions. Clients share their day-to-day experiences, detailing what strategies they tried and what worked or didn’t work. This platform allows for real-time coaching feedback and is recorded for future reference.
We have discovered that expressing feelings out loud is a very cathartic and valuable tool. It aids in processing the profound emotions associated with caregiving and moves people more quickly toward the change they want to see in their life. This avenue becomes essential for many navigating the complexities of family caregiving, allowing them to move towards healthier relationships and the emotional well-being they seek.
If you would like to find out more about Robin Andrews Smith, please visit https://www.youandmeaging.com/
