In a culture often afraid to say the word “death” out loud, Francesca Lynn Arnoldy leans in—gently, wholeheartedly, and with deep reverence. A contemplative doula, author, and death literacy educator, Francesca walks alongside individuals and communities through the tender terrain of life’s greatest transitions. Whether she’s teaching in a medical school classroom, guiding a hospice volunteer, or writing one of her many soul-stirring books—including The Death Doula’s Guide to Living Fully and Dying Prepared—her work is a steady invitation to show up with compassion, curiosity, and courage. Rooted in rural Vermont and nourished by nature, Francesca embodies the belief that healing is always possible, even in the absence of a cure. Her passion for transforming death care culture is matched only by her gift for storytelling and human connection. In this heartfelt conversation with Mystic Mag, she opens up about what it means to be “death-well,” how allyship can become a daily practice, and why honoring the full arc of life—grief, joy, fear, and love alike—is the most profound service of all.
How long have you been supporting people through grief and loss as an end-of-life doula? What first drew you to this path? You began your work as a birth doula before transitioning into end-of-life care, what inspired that shift, and how did your experience with birth work influence your approach to death and dying?
I began my journey as a postpartum doula in 2009, and a few years later, expanded my path to become a childbirth educator and birth doula. For a while, my work was rooted in the beginnings of life—welcoming new souls into the world.
But everything changed in 2014 when my family went through a series of deep personal losses—two of my grandfathers, my father-in-law, and even our beloved dog. Those experiences opened both my mind and my heart to a different kind of compassionate care: supporting people through grief, death, and loss.
In 2017, I became a hospice volunteer, and that same year, I developed a university-based doula training program that has since gained wide recognition. In 2018, I published my first book in the realm of “death lit,” titled Cultivating the Doula Heart. Since then, I’ve written more books, spoken at conferences and workshops, and continued offering support to individuals and families facing the end of life.
Today, I run an online Death Literacy Educator Program, which prepares advocates to lead meaningful, informative workshops within their communities. I also work part-time with the Vermont Conversation Lab, where I focus on the art of StoryListening.
One thing I’ve learned along the way: inner work is essential in deathcare. If we don’t take time to process our own grief, fears, and personal experiences, we risk projecting those emotions onto the people we serve—and eventually, burning out.
A big part of my writing and teaching involves distinguishing between sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Sympathy is feeling sad for someone. Empathy tries to feel with them. But compassion is something deeper—it’s being fully present, listening closely, and honoring their unique experience without making it about ourselves.
Of course, when we’re holding space for others, our own memories and emotions will inevitably be stirred. That’s human. But instead of shutting down or spilling over, we aim to stay grounded in the moment. We might shed a tear—and that’s okay—but our role is to care for others, not for them to care for us. Later, we return to our own healing, gently tending to what was awakened.
Simple rituals—like lighting a candle or quietly reflecting—can help us process and integrate. In the end, the only way through is to lean in. That’s where the real growth—and connection—happens.
What have you come to understand about death through your work as a death doula?
Just like birth, I’ve come to understand that every death is entirely unique. While there are often recognizable patterns—such as mottling of the skin, changes in breathing, cooling of the hands and feet, or increased sleepiness—no two journeys are exactly alike.
These common signs can be incredibly helpful for deathcare workers, allowing us to “normalize” the process and offer guidance that often brings comfort and reduces fear for families and loved ones. Still, the timing, pace, and individual needs around death always vary, at least to some degree.
What I’ve witnessed again and again is that, when suffering is well-managed, death is often peaceful. Many people seem to gently slip into their dying. But it’s important to remember that suffering isn’t only physical—it can also be mental, emotional, spiritual, or social. To truly support someone at the end of life, we must be willing to tend to all of these layers with compassion and presence.
What tools or practices can help people cope with less obvious forms of grief—like the loss of a home, a beloved animal, or a once-successful life?
One of the most important things I’ve learned is that we learn best from those we serve—by listening to their stories, honoring their unique experiences, and holding space without judgment.
Even the forms of grief that aren’t as visible or socially recognized—like the loss of a home, a beloved pet, or a sense of identity—deserve care, acknowledgment, and a listening ear. It’s heartbreaking how often people feel isolated in their pain simply because their loss isn’t seen as “valid” by others.
But something as simple as sharing a grief story and receiving kindness in return can be deeply cathartic. It reminds us that we’re not alone—and that healing begins with being heard.
What is involved in a death doula’s work with a patient or client? What is their range of services and skills?
Death doulas work alongside palliative and hospice care teams, complementing the care already in place and helping clients connect with additional resources when needed.
One key difference is time. Doulas tailor their schedules to the needs of the client, rather than being driven by caseloads or strict documentation. This flexibility allows us to spend extended periods of time with clients, helping them complete meaningful projects—like creating legacy gifts for loved ones. My role as a doula focuses on planning, preparing, and processing, ensuring that the client feels supported in every step of their journey.
From Cultivating the Doula Heart:
Ways of BEING
• Emotional allyship
• Turning toward suffering
• Maintaining curiosity
• Companioning and serving
• Intentional presence
• Compassion
• Suspending judgment
• Holding a flexible agenda
• Unconditional positive regard
Ways of DOING
• Discovering a client’s wishes
• Working through their fears and anxieties
• Honoring and holding sacred space
• Leading guided imagery, visualizations, and breathing exercises
• Promoting informed consent
• Assisting with legacy work, rituals, and advance directives
• Conducting life review sessions
• Providing resource referrals
• Coordinating care
• Planning and sitting vigil
At what point are you typically approached for support as a death doula—before death occurs or during the grieving process?
Sometimes, people come to me with a specific task in mind—like updating their advance care planning forms, exploring disposition options, or even writing their own obituary. They may not be terminally ill, but want to take proactive steps. Other times, clients are just weeks, days, or even hours away from death and are seeking a steady, supportive presence during that time. Some individuals focus on creating remembrance projects or tackling “death decluttering” to bring closure and meaning to their journey.
Do people from all walks of life typically seek the help of a death doula, or are there certain groups who tend to need this support more? What are the main reasons people turn to death doulas for help?
Doulas are here to support everyone, but not everyone will choose to invite a doula into their final chapter. Some people, particularly those who struggle to accept their mortality, may be hesitant. Others with a strong network of family and friends might feel they don’t need additional support. And for some, the cost of hiring a doula may be a barrier.
In these cases, it’s our hope that doulas can help connect people to other resources that are available and accessible. Ultimately, our goal is to ensure that everyone feels validated, honored, and well-supported during life’s most profound transitions.
