MysticMag has the opportunity to connect with Dr. Desirée N. Robinson, a Certified Sex Therapist and Integrative Practitioner specializing in individual and couples therapy. She uses an intersectional lens to explore topics like implicit bias, racism, sexism, and body image. Desirée is dedicated to helping ethnic, religious, and spiritual individuals enhance their sense of self through diverse therapeutic approaches, including attachment science, ego state therapy, and transpersonal therapies. As a facilitator and consultant, she guides clients toward healing and self-discovery, equipping them with tools for a fulfilling life. Desirée is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).
Desiree, can you describe how your integrative approach to psychotherapy and sex therapy helps individuals and couples address emotional wounds and dysfunctional patterns in their relationships?
Emotional wounds and dysfunctional patterns are often key indicators that there are core unmet needs in a relationship. An integrative approach facilitates the capacity to move beyond a pathology based approach so that we can see how to invite deeper feelings of safety, vulnerability, and insight that lead to a stable and secure connection. From that sense of genuine trust and connection, it is significantly easier for couples to enhance their sexual dynamic as well as manage relational distress that may show up.
In your experience, what are some common challenges couples face when trying to enhance their physical intimacy, and how do you help them navigate these challenges?
Two of the most common challenges that I see around enhancing intimacy are understanding and initiating. Often I start with communication because people may speak the same language; however, it may not register in the way the other person is communicating their needs. Conversely, what someone is communicating may not be clear or cohesive. My ears are trained to hear what people are saying, not saying, and to enhance what they may not know how to send or receive to their partner. This puts up a significant barrier to intimacy as it creates anxiety, confusion, and lessens the desire to replicate such conditions.
Initiating physical intimacy is also a place where people struggle. It often brings people to the brink of “what if” – which can be incredibly challenging. The fear of rejection or the desire for their partner to initiate can keep partners from deepening intimacy because their primary concern in those moments may be to not “prove” their worst concerns. These may be about body image, sexual prowess, performance anxiety, and desirability – which some connect to being loveable. Sometimes they may feel the emotional risk is more delicate compared to the sexual ones.
How do you balance the need for skills-based therapy and process-based therapy in your sessions, and can you give an example of when each approach is most effective?
The beauty of an integrative approach is that there is space for both and they do not have to bifurcate. People need new skills – ones designed for connection as opposed to survival. The survival skills are often defensive or they occlude the truth (e.g. pleasing people) to maintain a sense of security by not upsetting someone else. I try to introduce the need for the skill, and in teaching it, we are processing, practicing, looking inward, and inviting each partner to offer feedback on their own experience and what they need to support each other in recognizing these new adaptations.
An example of this is with touch. Once we have processed how each personal has a personal relationship with touch – which usually has nothing to do with the other person, we can foster a non-judgmental perspective and the tools for each person to become self-aware – and self-accountable – for their needs and how they show up to the needs of their partner. We are also checking in with the intrapsychic messages that may create obstacles because we still need to tend to those wounded (and often younger) aspects that may be showing up when activated.
What role does self-compassion play in the healing journey of your clients, and how do you encourage clients to develop and practice self-compassion?
Self-compassion is one of my favorite tools! It is a requisite as it invites people to be in the present moment, oriented towards a self-kindness that may be foreign to them, and it facilitates a perspective of possibilities that self-deprecation or even “boot strapping” does not do.
We cultivate the tools by first identifying the parts that keep shame in motion, their function, and if there is an “updated” message that meets those needs. It seems pretty small; however, inviting people to extricate themselves from a mental soundtrack that has been self-preservative is work that requires consistency. Through a variety of methods – expressive modalities, art based interventions, EMDR, Hypnosis, Mind-Body tools – and more; we find the tools to support this new ideology.
How do you approach working with couples who have significant desire discrepancies or different libido levels?
Once I have a good background, I need to know what they are willing to do. What are their boundaries, what is the reality of the situation at hand, have they sought out any other relevant professionals (eg pelvic floor therapists, urologist, PCP. Endocrinologist, etc), and if there is a trauma element.
With that information, my goal is to understand the *shared* goal and what would it take to get there. Often work discrepancies, there is work done around unwinding grief, avoiding blame, and getting clear on having the emotional capacity to understand the partner with minimal judgement. Sometimes people will open their relationship. Other times one person has to be okay with less sex and a middle ground sometimes involves some education that may help both people find intimacy, just with a different inroad. Either way, my goal is to have both folks connect in ways that are clear, kind, and sustainable for the life they desire to live.
If you would like to find out more about Dr. Desirée N. Robinson, please visit https://www.desireenrobinson.com/
