In a fast-paced world where stress and relationship challenges seem to be ever-present, the need for skilled professionals who can help individuals and couples navigate their emotional journeys has never been more critical. Among those dedicated to supporting healthy relationships and fostering emotional well-being is Peter Goldberg, a highly regarded Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). With extensive experience and a deep understanding of the intricacies of human connections, Peter Goldberg has emerged as a beacon of hope for those seeking guidance through personal and relational difficulties. Through his compassionate approach and evidence-based techniques, he has assisted countless individuals and couples in overcoming challenges and creating fulfilling lives. In this Mystic Mag‘s article, we will delve into the invaluable insights and wisdom shared by Peter Goldberg. From exploring the foundations of healthy relationships to navigating the complexities of emotional well-being, we will uncover practical strategies and perspectives that can transform lives. Join us as we embark on a journey of self-discovery, growth, and the pursuit of lasting happiness under the guidance of Peter Goldberg, a trusted expert in the field of marriage and family therapy.
What drew you to the field of Marriage and Family Therapy, and what inspired you to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist?
There are many reasons and events in my life that led me to go back to school to study Marriage and Family Therapy. I have always been interested in the treatment of trauma. After the end of the Vietnam war, and thanks to the monumental efforts of Bessel Van der Kolk and others the American Psychiatric Association finally recognized the term PTSD and the presenting symptoms and included this in the DSM-III in their manual of mental disorders. Now funds for government funded research from NIH were made available to study PTSD and to come up with treatments to address the symptoms. I also met several excellent Argentinian psychiatrists who had fled to Venezuela during Argentina’s dirty war. I lived in Venezuela at the time. Most of them talked about mental health issues within the context of the family and not so much about the individual. This surprised me because they were all psychoanalysts. One couple I met in another country where I was working were publishing a Psychiatric Journal and many of the articles were about family dynamics. I provided them with some support translating or checking their translations from Spanish into English.
I started to reflect more on my own family of origin dynamics which were rife with conflicts. My mother’s health was very bad for most of her adult life with different forms of cancers, and heart issues. She had major surgeries every 2-3 years since I was around 4 years old. My father always took her to the best hospitals and doctors which meant traveling from Venezuela to the US. My mother would recover quickly and continue her active social life but months before and after these major surgeries things were difficult. I noticed that when my father retired at age 74 his own health began to deteriorate. He was very intelligent and had worked as a businessman living and working in South America (they emigrated there after WWII from the US). Without work he no longer had a life of his own, he stopped seeing friends, stopped playing golf etc; he focused entirely on caring for my mother. Over time and in very subtle ways the pressure and the lack of intellectual inactivity led to ever worsening dementia. This was when I made up my mind to make a change in my own life and future expectations. I was in my 50’s and realized that I needed to find a career that I enjoyed which would keep my mind sharp and not accelerate the onset of intellectual degradation. I first did volunteer work with the seriously mentally ill in day treatment. The psychologist who ran the group encounters was extremely kind and generous to me. She would dedicate as much as an hour of her time after group answering my questions and essentially giving me a personalized course in Abnormal Psychology. I found this fascinating so I took a few courses at night at the VA Tech Marriage and Family Therapy program in Falls Church VA. The more classes I took the more fascinated I became.
How do you approach the delicate balance between maintaining confidentiality and involving the family or partner in the therapy process?
I handle this by telling clients, in the Informed Consent forms, that I will not respond to phone calls, or messages from one partner without the knowledge of the other. If, as part of therapy, I meet with them individually we agree to full disclosure to the other at the next session. If one discloses violence or threats of violence then couples therapy must stop and I make the appropriate safety recommendations or if there is a mention of child abuse I report this to CPS. I tell clients that I will work with them in reporting abuse to CPS but if they refuse, I am mandated to do it myself.
What type of services do you offer?
I provide approximately 1/3 couple’s work, 1/3 individual Trauma work, 1/3 depression/anxiety and other issues. I also work with the Hispanic community as I am fluent in Spanish. I work with immigration attorneys and support groups in providing support and evaluations for cases of asylum or other immigration issues.
I provide some psycho-education on emotions and stress hormones in the body. I teach breathing and other body relaxation techniques. I work primarily with emotions and use Emotion Focused Couples Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Eye Movement and Desensitization and Reprocessing. I also use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to a lesser degree. I build on the work done by the Gottman’s for a couple’s work. With few exceptions, I do not work with children or teens either individually or in a family context. I may bring them into a few sessions, but I believe the problems that children have are a reflection that the couple isn’t working well together either as parents, as a couple or both. My office is not set up for play therapy which is crucial for child therapy.
When I worked for Loudoun County in Mental Health we had in-house medical and psychiatric support. Since I no longer work in such an environment I refer clients with severe mental health issues that require this type of support to large practices with medical support.
How do you handle situations where one partner or family member is resistant to therapy or unwilling to participate fully?
I make every effort to assess the reasons why each member wants to come to therapy before we start. Sometimes one partner is forced by the other to come to therapy as a condition to staying together. I discourage couples in the Informed Consent and in the first session that if they wish to use therapy as part of a future divorce and custody confrontation that I won’t be of much help (since I am neutral) and it will be very expensive. I explain that my goal is to be balanced so I will not include any statement disparaging of one or the other partner; I discourage using therapy as part of a hidden agenda. I also inform couples that I will not be working with them to assign blame; each partner is equally responsible for the state of the relationship.
In spite of these initial warnings the “real” personalities come out and if one is abusive or narcissistic I tell clients that after 3-5 sessions we will evaluate if progress is being made or not. If some progress is not achieved and one person is still resistant. If one person is still unwilling to participate, openly and vulnerably then we stop couples work and I tell them that I can work with one person but cannot then go back to meeting them as a couple. If the context of arguments are always the same and there is no empathy expressed by both partners for the other then I recommend individual therapy because couples work isn’t working.
How do you create a safe and non-judgmental environment for couples and families to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns during therapy sessions?
During the initial phone call I ask if there is any physical violence or threats? If so I don’t do couples work as it would be unsafe. In the first session I assess for safety; I may interview each partner separately for 5-10 minutes to assess for abuse. I inform clients that if there is any violence, threats of violence or denigrating talk to each other then therapy will come to an end. I start by identifying the “expectations, meanings and perceptions” that each person has about: being a wife/husband, being a professional, being a man/woman. I ask about conflict and their expectations of problems and how to resolve them. Many couples I see believe that any argument or any disagreement is a bad thing in a marriage; so they walk on “eggshells” around each other to avoid disagreements. People often focus on the behaviors of the other and expect that the marriage will improve when the other changes.
I make sure couples understand that I won’t respond to personal calls, texts or emails about their partner; all communications (except for abuse) must be with both present.
I build on research by the “Gottman’s” who are, in my mind, the experts on couples. I normalize conflicts as part of living together and I coach them on “how to fight” using work done by the Gottman’s known as the four horsemen. Successful couples don’t let any misunderstanding or slight go by without a respectful response. The successful (masters) and unsuccessful (disasters) couples manage four types of arguments or fights in very different ways and we review these.
I also normalize that having the expectation of being always madly in love with the other won’t happen because 70% of the character traits of their partner they don’t like. We fall in love with the 30% that we like about our partner. Of the 70% there are 1,2 or 3 behaviors that one sees as intolerable. Successful couples learn to manage and have a sense of humor around these issues.
I also build on Susan Johnson’s work in Emotional Couples Therapy and explain to clients that I will be very focused on their emotional response to whatever the partner says. I will often interrupt for clarifications on what was said and how it was received for each partner to listen and process. If couples are agitated then I use the interruptions to slow things down; I speak in a low tone and slow cadence. I teach couples active listening and curiosity about their partner and how they think and feel. I teach them strategies to unwind conflicts, agree to disagree and actively listen to each other.
If ever there is anger expressed in a loud and disrespectful way I will stop them and allow a period for them to cool down before continuing; sometimes individually for part of the session.
Can you discuss the importance of self-care for couples and families, and how you support and encourage your clients to prioritize their well-being outside of therapy?
In the first sessions I ask clients questions about how they do self-care. I encourage doing activities as a family that do not include screens (hiking, camping, running, swimming, biking
etc.) I encourage shutting down phones and computers when they get home so they can interact with each other. I discourage isolating in rooms. I run through a series of questions that cover the concepts of self-care.
- are you getting enough sleep, have nightmares and if so how often. I ask when they get into bed and do they wake up in the middle of the night and how often. If they don’t sleep well I ask them to avoid screens 30 mins or more before sleeping. I suggest eating a low carb diet 3-4 hrs. before sleep and then nothing. I also suggest drinking a lot of water.
- have they lost or gained 5% of their body weight in the last 6 months. I ask if this is related to anxiety or depression.
- I ask about when they see a doctor for annual or periodic physical examinations. Are they on medications and for what.
- I ask for an average number of hours spent behind screens (tv, computers, phones etc).
- I ask if they eat a balanced diet.
- I ask them if they exercise and how often.
- I ask about alcohol, drugs, and addictive behaviors.
